When is a Friend Not a Friend?

So it’s been a long time since my last post……why? Because I have been seeing someone. Who? 9 Second Man!

 

We were really good friends for months. He knew I had applied for a new job several hours away and I was really shocked to get it (turns out I was the only one interviewed!) But we decided (after the sexual tension had mounted) that maybe we’d just have some fun before I moved. Only it wasn’t all fun. I had a really bad run of health problems culminating in really hurting my back. He was amazing. He would come round every couple of days and do my washing up, bring me shopping and watch TV with me. I think he liked looking after me and being miles away from any family, I really needed it. I was miserable. I’m not sure what I’d have done without him.

 

So now I have moved. We are seeing each other every 3-4 weeks. It’s lovely. We talk on the phone every day and text all the time. We have great fun together. But……there’s always a but…..is it enough? The idea of losing him really upsets me. However three months after moving I realise I need more excitement. He still isn’t really naughty enough for me. We have always said it’s only going to be temporary and I feel like things are winding down. He’s said things won’t change that much, we will still see each other and chat as often. I hope he’s right!

 

It’s really made me wonder what love actually is and what makes a good relationship. He is such a lovely guy, I’m disappointed it couldn’t have developed more. But I think I’ve had a better time with him than I have with some guys I’ve really fancied. Plus I’ve spoken to friends who have had such a spark in the early days, but fell out of love after years of marriage….is that inevitable?

Dating Dilemmas 13….The Non-Driver

So I recently started chatting to a new guy….let’s call him…. ‘Trains-Only Guy’.

So his lives 45 minutes away. That’s fine, I find if you are willing to drive a bit you get a much bigger pool of guys. However, this guy revealed, after a lovely phone call and quite a few messages back and forth…..that he doesn’t have a car. He lives in the centre of a small town so says he doesn’t need one. I looked it up and the nearest train station from me is a 12 min bike ride away (according to Goole Maps, so probably less in reality). Now he seemed pretty keen, was happy to talk on the phone and talked about sex….a LOT. But he was dragging his heels about agreeing a date and time.

Off the cuff, when I was near his area for work I sent him a text and we met for coffee. It wasn’t the most exciting date, we sort of ran out of things to say and truth be told I didn’t really fancy him.

What surprised me though, was that when I got home we messaged a bit and he said he didn’t feel we were ‘in sinc’ before we met up. He said he felt it was too much to expect him to cycle for 12 minutes and insinuated I should just pick him up from the station. I might have done that, but to expect it when he had chosen to give up his car….I didn’t like that.

I drive lots for work….when it’s my own time and I’m going out with someone I don’t want to have to drive them everywhere too. It would be nice to share that. Am I being unreasonable??

So maybe not having a car is a dealbreaker for me!!

 

 

Dating Dilemmas 12…..Dating with Anxiety

One of the most difficult things I am finding about dating is controlling my anxiety. Particularly as a lot of modern dating takes place in messages rather than face to face.

I feel anxious if the tone of his messages seems to change or if I feel I’ve said something too needy or too ‘unattractive’. It can make my palms sweat and my stomach churn!

I know it’s irrational and sometimes ridiculous…But that’s how anxiety works isn’t it!?

Does anyone else have this problem?

 

Dating Dilemmas 11…….Sexual Compatibility

How important is sexual compatibility? It’s something we never really discuss isn’t it!

Now I have certain tastes that are not uncommon, but not shared by everyone…..but I’ve found a surprising number of men like to do what I also like. I was surprised to find one to be honest (don’t worry it’s not that kinky!). I have wondered whether something on my dating profile or in my photos somehow subconsciously gives it away. I mean literally the last 5 or more guys I’ve been with have had the same preferences as me….that’s got to be more than a coincidence!

But how important is it? We all like to think sex is not the be all and end all…I agree…..but it would suck if you had very different tastes….would it ultimately be untenable?

 

Dating Dilemmas 10……Negotiating the Relationship Rules

Rule 1…..Should you stay in contact and meet up with former lovers?

This is something I’d never really thought about before. But with the current guy I am seeing (3 dates and a million whatsapp messages down) it’s cropped up. I don’t suppose I’ve ever really been with a guy who’s had lots of interaction with an ex. For me, I tend to be if we aren’t together I don’t want to stay friends…however, I am meeting up up with ‘Soon-to-be-Divorced Guy’ tomorrow night as friends and although ‘Single Dad’ is fine about it, he doesn’t want to know anything. I wouldn’t even really count Soon-to-be-Divorced Guy’ as an ex, but it’s still pretty fresh, so I can see why ‘Single Dad’ is uncomfortable. Having said that he is in touch with many of the people he has been with/slept with. I said if it upset him I wouldn’t want to stay friends with the other guy, but he feels that would mean he was dictating who I can see and who I can’t.

What is right in this situation? Should you be able to see exes or not? What should the rule be?

Rule 2. Who can you discuss your sex life with?

He remarked that he has 2 close female friends who he is likely to discuss our sex life with (platonic he assures me). It bothers me a bit because they are girls. But I can’t say why that is. I hope he doesn’t go into too much detail! Still at least he mentioned it….although maybe it would be better if he just did it and didn’t tell me in advance!

Second Date with ‘Single Dad’

So I’ve been on two dates with a new guy ( I’m not one to stand still). I started chatting to him very soon after it ended with ‘Soon-to-be-Divorced Guy’, but he was keen and knew he would be busy this weekend with his little girl’s birthday, so we wanted to squeeze in a date or two.

The first date was lovely. It was bank holiday Monday (when you feel great that you are swanning about instead of being at work) and we went into town. He suggested an art exhibition, which I thought was a great idea (I love it when guys can pick out something based on my interests). It was small, but some of the exhibits were really interesting. We had lunch, then had a wander on the marina and a drink in the sunshine. He took me totally by surprise kissing me, but it was nice!

The second date we went out for dinner on a week night. We’d already discussed sex and I was trying to resist bringing him back to mine…..But I didn’t! We had dinner and he came back to mine after….I don’t regret it 😉

I still want to make sure we have proper dates though!

So we’ll see what happens…it’s certainly fun though!